If You Were Gay

I am a married woman, I am happy and in love with my husband. I don't ever remember making a hard and fast decision ever in my life, that I would be attracted to men..(barring Angelina Jolie..cause I don't care who you are, she is HOT.) I just was always attracted to boys. The idea of "doing that" with a girl grossed me out, and still does to a degree. I know that I never made the decision to be heterosexual, I just am. I am pretty sure that I don't know any straight people that think of being straight as a choice; they just are...(see where I am going here?) So I am confused as to why there are so many people who think that being gay is a choice. I really don't get it that there are people in this world who hate people for who they choose to love. People say that homosexuality is an abomination, and it is wrong because the bible says it is wrong. Really, judging people who are different from the majority is just another way that some people choose to feel superior to others. Why? Why do we inherently have to put other people down to make ourselves feel important? Can't things be mutually exclusive? I don't see why my being awesome, should make anyone else feel or be less awesome. It is not like there is a global awesomeness limit that is going to get maxed out. My awesomeness and yours are not interdependent. Also, why would we want everyone in the world to be the same? That would make the world a pretty boring place. Is it wrong to have our own gauge of morality and police that for ourselves? What is wrong with that, as long as someone's lifestyle isn't hurting someone else? I don't see any gay people running the streets trying to "convert" straight people. Who are they hurting? Someone wrote in the bible that men should not lie together. I think it was Paul (who was a murderer before he was struck down in the street, and devoted his life to God.) Paul also said that clergy should not marry, but most Christian churches condemn the Catholic Church for for being the only Christian church that is following that teaching. It is in the Ten Commandments that you should not cheat on your spouse, or covet your neighbor's goods. I don't know one person on the planet that has not at least been jealous from time to time (in direct violation of one the ten commandments.) I don't think that there is a commandment that says "Thou Shalt Not Be Gay." The seven deadly sins are; pride, sloth, gluttony, wrath, envy, lust and greed. According to these, every Christian who is overweight, and alcoholic, lazy, vengeful or boastful should be shunned as they so readily shun homosexuals. Isn't that wildly hypocritical? In asking "What would Jesus do" I don't think Jesus would condemn, or shun anyone for being gay, he was closest to someone who was written down in history as a prostitute. As I see it, homosexuals just want to be given the same rights as everyone else, as American's, why not? It is their country too, shouldn't they have the same rights as their fellow citizens? I am straight..who am I to tell gay people they can't have the same rights as me? The decision doesn't impact me..it impacts them. Shouldn't their voices be the only ones that matter on this issue? Otherwise, we are legislating our own definition of morality. In Florida, (my home state) gay people can't adopt children. I know some HORRIBLE straight parents, and can think of gay couples that are far better suited to parent children. I think some people think gay people are more promiscuous, and would not teach good morals to a child. HOW CAN ANYONE KNOW THAT???? There are straight people who are promiscuous and would not teach good morals to a child. So, as Broadway says, "If you were gay, I'd shout HOORAY! And here I'd stay, but I wouldn't get in your way, because you see, if it were me, I would feel free to say, that I was gay."

Not While I’m Around

Throughout my life, I have been punished for being sick. Ever since I was a little girl. There are some horrific stories I could share, but I have made it through those times, and I believe that I am a better person for those experiences. Sometimes. Someone once said “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” I agree. Sometimes. Sometimes that which does not kill us makes us damaged, defective. It taints our perceptions, and makes us sensitive and lonely, and defective.

The girl, who was never allowed to be sick, became sick. Chronically, and lifelong (as my doctors describe the nature of my illness.) I power through, on my own. I call in sick less frequently than a lot of healthy people I know. I try not to let my illness limit me more than I have to be limited. I try not to complain unless asked. Sometimes though, even when I am asked, I feel like the people who are closest to me still hold it against me. Like I have power over this, and I do, to a degree. But, if any of my team of doctors and nurses were asked to describe me as a patient, I am sure their response would be “she is ultra-compliant.” I do every single thing they tell me to do, whether it is easy or incredibly hard. I think that it is my job as a patient to follow orders without fail. Then, I know if I am sick, it is not my fault. My compliance isn’t something that I normally shout from mountaintops. So I think that sometimes my people think I am somehow over exaggerating my condition. My medical team, my co-workers and I have the exact opposite opinion of me, but my people don’t normally come to those appointments, they don’t come to work with me, and they are not in my body or my head. They don’t know my pain, and my thoughts.

My greatest fear is asking for help. I feel that asking for help is somehow showing my weakness. I am afraid that if I say I need help, the people who are supposed to love me will stop. I have never really felt safe and protected by anyone but myself. I think some of that is my fault. Some of it isn’t. I don’t know what it is like to share my burdens with someone else. Carrying my burdens on my own is difficult, but it is part of me by now. In some ways, it has made me stronger. In other ways, it has made me defective.

I think that we all get to live each day only once. I feel that ruining a day with pessimism or depression over things I cannot change is a waste of my limited time. At the same time, I desperately want someone to say to me…”nothing’s gonna harm you, not while I’m around.” I want someone to say it, and mean it. I want to know that kind of security. I share myself openly with the people to whom I am closest. I want to learn how to ask for help without fear. I want to understand in my heart (not just my head) that asking for help is exactly the opposite of weak. I know, (logically, anyway) that it is a wise person who knows her limitations and seeks the help of others when needed. I just need to learn how to ask.

Forgiveness

Two weeks ago yesterday, I was driving home from work when my dad called. I was stopped in the Publix parking lot when he told me that my grandmother had a week to live.

My grandmother (Nina, as I called her) was a very special person in my life. In my entire life, I never heard her say a negative word about anyone, except once when she got mad at Brooke Shields in the early 80's for endorsing a lipstick that the National Enquirer claimed she did not use in her personal life. During my tumultuous childhood, she was one of my only sources of compassion and unconditional love. I am not nearly as kind a person as she was, but what I know about kindness and love I learned from her. She would regularly and consistently go out of her way for anyone, and would not hesitate to make anyone in her path feel welcomed and at home. She loved everyone and judged no one. She always used to say to me, "you know Dani, you love me and I love you and we will always love each other." Right out of the blue. Every single time I talked to her.

She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a while ago, and stopped recognizing me about a year ago. I didn't visit her as often as I could, it was so hard to see her wanting desperately for her to know me, and every time I saw her I was disappointed, I wish I could go back and spend more time with her. She had never disappointed me during the time she was in my life, until the first time she didn't remember me, something, which was far out of her control. She passed before the week was up, but I was fortunate to spend the last two days of her life with her. In those days she told me she knew me, and she loved me. I will always have that to hold onto, and I am so thankful to have been there to tell her that I loved her too, and to kiss her goodbye.

I have a quirky bunch of family and friends. Some of them are attentive and caring and some are not. Most of the time when I think about whether or not to forgive someone, I think of her. She taught me the importance of kindness and forgiveness. She showed me that my life could be richer if I learned to forgive, but she also told me not to forgive blindly. "Forgive, but don't forget" she always said.

Two weeks ago, when my dad told me the horrible news while I was sitting in my car at Publix, I started to cry. I was already at the end of my rope, because of some worse than usual health issues and a rift with another close family member, and this news made all of those things I thought were so big, so small. I sat in my car for a few minutes to try to gain my composure before walking into the store. A woman probably no older than 22, stopped me in the parking lot, and handed me a bouquet of flowers. She said, "I saw you crying in your car, and thought these may make your day a little bit better." She gave me a hug and walked away. I started thinking about this selfless gesture, and was bewildered that someone who doesn't know me, and had no idea why I was crying saw me in distress and responded. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was exactly something that my Nina would do for someone. This stranger treated me kindly when some of my best friends and family were not even picking up the phone, (some were, and to you, I want you to know your compassion was a great source of comfort to me.) I wish I could find this stranger and tell her what her act of kindness meant to me, that I will remember her forever, and that I have learned from her gesture.

I also resolve not to judge those who have done me wrong. I will protect myself from those people in my life who treat me less than kindly, but wish them well all the same.
"You mustn't be revengeful you have to be strong, to offer good for evil, return right for wrong."

Those You’ve Known

I have written many times about overcoming adversity, and I do, because it is an ongoing part of everyone's life, including mine. Most of you who know me, know that I have a lot of obstacles in my life. I really don't think my obstacles make me any different from anyone else, we all have them, they are like fingerprints, and everyone's are different. There are some major things that I have learned from my efforts to leap over my hurdles. One lesson I have learned is to look at obstacles as tools to become a stronger, humbler and happier person. Seeing things that way inspires me to make the effort to overcome my problems instead of being defeated by them. Every challenge in my life has made me better equipped to deal with the next challenge, even if one problem has nothing to do with the other. I know people who take the opposite approach. Every hardship beats them down, and it seems as if they are never happy unless they are miserable, or the people close to them are miserable. I don't understand people who approach life that way, and I hope I never do. One thing I know is that whether I, my body or someone else causes the problems in my life, they can't be solved by self-pity and anger. When I face a new trial, I get upset for a minute. But then I analyze it, determine whether it can be solved, solve it if I can, and accept it if I can't. I used to look for something or someone to blame, but that always only made things worse, and never made anything better.

I had a very unhappy childhood. I was a hurt and sad child, who turned into an angry and sullen teenager. I entered my twenties as a co-dependent person terrified of abandonment. My childhood wasn't as bad as some, but it was bad enough that I could have continued my dysfunction, and blamed every personality flaw of mine on my family. At some point, I decided that there is no use in that. Blaming my parents for everything wrong with me does nothing for my relationships with them now, and really only perpetuates the tension between my parents and me. I choose to forgive my parents for their mistakes raising me, understanding that all parents make mistakes. When I made that choice I decided that I could forgive them, or blame everything wrong with me on them. Blame is such a wasted effort, and the result only adds to the existing problem. I only get one life, and I am the only person who is in charge of making me happy. My position in life is the result of the actions and the decisions I have made to get here, no one else's. I have a lot of problems, and I do have a hard time dealing with them at times. Having problems though is not an excuse to treat people close to me badly. They also don't mean that other people's problems don't exist.

I remind myself to learn from my mistakes, and to learn from other people's mistakes. I only get one life. I only get one chance to live this day. I don't want to leave this world angry with everyone I chose to be close to. I want to leave this world a better place than I found it, and I don't want the people I loved to remember me as angry and defeated by any bump in the road. I resolve to learn from other's mistakes, and ask for support when I need it, but I will never expect anyone to solve my problems for me. Solving my problems is and should be my job. So, I forgive all which has been done to me, and learn from those experiences, because I make mistakes too, and I pray those whom I have wronged forgive me too. "Those you've pained may carry that still with them all the same they whisper: 'All forgiven.'"

I Feel Pretty

I can honestly say that I do feel pretty, but that hasn't always been the case. In fact, for the majority of my life I have felt quite the opposite. The way I felt about myself was always directly linked to my weight, and what other people thought about my weight. When I was thirteen years old, someone very close to me sat me down and told me that it didn’t matter what clothes I wore, or whether I bothered to apply makeup, because when people looked at me all they saw was a fat girl. I never forgot that conversation, and how bad it made me feel. Shortly after that conversation, I started taking laxatives…a lot of laxatives. That started many years of active bulimia. The laxatives didn’t last long, they made me really sick, and so I started throwing up.

When I was in high school, I was bulimic, so I was thin, and looked pretty, but I didn’t believe I was pretty. When I went to college, I gained a lot of weight, and that weight has yo-yo’d ever since. I graduated from college, and moved to Florida. I met my first husband when I was 23, and a size 6. I gained a lot of weight during the course of our relationship, and he complained constantly about how unattractive he found me, and that I was not the same person I was when we met. So, I felt unattractive, and by feeling that way I let him dictate how I felt about myself. As if my weight defined me, and at that point in my life, I believed it did. I always felt like anything I had to offer anyone was secondary to how I looked on their arm.

After my divorce, I started writing off weight loss projects as shallow endeavors. I ate as if to tell the world “I don’t care what you think about my dress size!” As if the world cared, and I failed to understand that my deliberate gluttony proved that I did care, about everyone but myself. In spite of myself, I was lucky enough to become involved with a man who believes that I am beautiful. No matter what the scale reads. That was a nice change of pace, but I was still letting people close to me dictate how I felt about myself, positive or negative.

Being married to someone who loves me for who I am is liberating, and scary at the same time. Being who I am means I should know who that is, without the benefit of seeing myself through anyone else’s eyes. I am grateful to my husband because he helped me understand that being who I am has nothing to do with how much I weigh.

When I got sick, I blamed myself. I thought that Crohn’s was a result of Bulimia. My doctor assured me one had nothing to do with the other, but I still thought the universe was playing a cruel joke on me. I slowly started to realize that my approach to food needed to change for the sake of my health, not my appearance. It is a day-to-day struggle, but taking the food focus from pretty to healthy has been invaluable. My health is important and my dress size is not. My opinion of myself is important others’ opinions are not. I am happy to say that I am a littler healthier every day…physically and mentally, and I feel pretty.

For Good

"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are lead to those who help us most to grow if let them, and we help them in return. Well I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you."

In my life, I have had relationships with a lot of people. Growing up, I moved about every two years. As a result, I don't have any childhood friends left in my life. I am lucky enough to have held on to some friendships from my high school and college years. I cherish all of my friendships, no matter when they formed, but sometimes it is nice to have someone who knows what molded me into my present day self. My best friend from college is still my best friend. I love her as if she were my family; in fact she is my family in a sense. I love her unconditionally, and I know she feels the same way about me. We have known each other for so long, and we know each other so well, that we don't have to explain to each other why we react to things in certain ways, because we already know. It is comforting to have that kind of a friendship, understanding each other so well. Both of us had similar childhoods, and both of us have similar family dynamics, and that may be why we bond so well. We have gone through selfish periods, and we have been irritated with each other. However, what makes our friendship great is when I am sad or angry, her reaction is to explore how she can help me through my problem, it is never lament over how my problem is impacting her. I do the same for her. There is tremendous comfort in the knowledge that I have a friend I can be my total self with, without fearing that an argument or misunderstanding will mean that we never speak again.

In my adult life, I have made a couple of best friends, and I have lost a couple of best friends. Losing a friend can hurt as much as losing a romance, but relationships always teach valuable lessons. Every single person I have ever been close to has taught me lessons about myself as well as lessons about what I want and need in all of my relationships. The more profound lessons have been honesty, unconditional love and support, and compassion. They have also taught me methods of filling all of those needs for myself. A milestone in my journey to self-discovery has been learning to be my own friend. All of my friends have taught me (directly or indirectly) to love myself unconditionally, to be honest with myself, to accept my challenges, and make them into opportunities to enrich my life. Being able to do those things for myself helps me be a better friend, a better wife, and a better person.

We are all limited, and for that reason, no person can be his or her only friend. We need people to help light our paths. No one is perfect, but I know how lucky I am to have people who are able to comfort and support me in the ways that I don't know how to comfort myself. I hope they feel the same way about me. So, to all of my past, present and future friends I want say, "who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

The Guilty Ones

When bad things happen to me, my natural first step is to find someone or something to blame. In my case, the person I blame the most for all of the world's evil is myself. I know a lot of people who do just the opposite. Either way, blame is a very natural instinct. Whether blame is placed on God, the Devil, our parents, the Republicans, or Democrats. The problem is if we blame other people for the things that are wrong with us, it just makes us angry. That anger then becomes a cycle, because it makes the people with whom we are angry, angry with us. Ultimately, staying angry doesn't accomplish anything, other than to worsen the situation. Even if those people bare some responsibility for our woes. Parents for example; they played a role in a lot of the things that are wrong with every one of us, emotional and biological. Even though they are somewhat responsible, there is a point when we become an adults, and need to stop blaming them for their mistakes and focus on what we can do to fix the problems that are within our power to fix.

Once I have the opportunity to gain some distance from an issue, I can say that I am pretty good at not blaming others. Most of the time, I blame myself. I always thought it was healthy that I had such an ability to take responsibility for myself. Then I realized that I was confusing blame and responsibility. Taking responsibility for myself is healthy; blaming myself is highly unhealthy. Blaming myself only gives me an excuse to wallow in self pity and get depressed, and who has time to be depressed? I can't do anything about my past actions, other than making amends.

Really, blame is simply being angry with someone for doing something that they can't take back. Regardless of the direction in which our fingers are pointing; at others, or ourselves. History is not changeable, but here and now, we can learn from our mistakes, and try not to make the same ones again. Forgive. Not just others but forgive you. I would rather forgive myself, so that I can focus on the more important tasks of making my life better, than remaining angry and bitter. I think that gradually, I am always getting closer to being the person I want to be. I can learn to stop carrying guilt and shame, even if the lesson wasn't taught to me by anyone other than myself. All I can do is make the best effort I know how every day and "Window by window, You try and look into, This brave new you that you are."